Simple title isn’t it?
Yet this one little world can mean something so big.
I have decided to take a leap and share part of my story with you. It’s a very hard topic for me to talk about and only one person knows that yes, I have depression.
I am aware that of course every persons experience is very different. Whether you suffer with it yourself or you know someone who does. It can arise from many areas, stress, anxiety, grief, pre and post natal, traumatic life events, the list goes on.
Although this all started for me about 6 years ago it was only this year I actually decided to see a Doctor. I hate talking to people and the thought of going to see a Doctor about it was terrifying. Granted at the time I was going to see him about my ‘high levels’ of anxiety but when I entered the small room and I eventually started spluttering and stammering out words that didn’t necessarily mean anything, along with anxiety came the word depression. My initial thought was nah I’m not depressed am I? I can’t be, everyone always refers to me as ‘smiley’. Yet as I thought back through the past few years I realized that what I thought was me fighting against myself was actually me fighting depression.
I think personally that one of the hardest things about depression is that denial plays a big part. You blame yourself for everything you feel and everything you have done, you alienate yourself from the world because really who needs you? You don’t bring anything to anyone’s life? No one would miss you would they? Eventually you become so good at acting happy and bubbly that it no longer becomes something you have to think about and its something that just gets activated the minute your around someone else, the wall comes up and all of a sudden your laughing and chatting quite happily to the people around you.
The reality however, is that inside there is so much regret, anger and whatever else boiling inside of you that you just want to explode and scream until you no longer feel like a coiled spring that’s trapped in between two walls. The reality is that when you are on your own the wall crumbles and you feel lonely, isolated and sad. The reality is that no one knows the amount of effort it takes just to get out of bed in the morning when all you feel like doing is hibernating under the covers and just sleeping to ignore everything around you and your own thoughts which you are tormenting yourself with. The reality is that we may look happy but inside we feel nothing, no happiness, no joy, no elation. Instead its anger, hurt, stress, regret and loneliness.
Some people think that people who are depressed are selfish, I mean come on you don’t have cancer, you’re not homeless, you’re not starving and you’re not in the middle of a war, what is there to be depressed about?
I think if anyone said this to my face I’d slap them. I may have all those things but that doesn’t mean that I don’t spend every second of every day putting my mask on and my wall up to protect the people around me such as my family because I don’t want to cause them hurt and pain. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel worthless but I don’t want to talk because I know people who have had it worse and don’t want to bother anyone. That doesn’t mean that I wont be there for other people or that I wouldn’t do anything for them.
The most hurtful thing someone ca say to me is that I am selfish. I am not. I go out of my way to do things for people, even if I’m not particularly close with them, they know nothing so how can they judge me?
I can’t honestly say that the next time you feel like crawling under your duvet and hibernating, not to do it or talk to someone as I know how hard it is but just in case…. Hi, im here to listen and trust me I’m a good listener and I wont say anything stupid like get on with your life!