Who am I?
I know I don’t normally post today, but as usual I have had a thought that I just need to write out.
I can’t remember exactly what brought this thought process on but i started thinking about how I am now and how I used to be…the same person but two very different people.
I have always been the type of person who never says what they think, instead choosing to hold back to save myself from judgement and embarrassment. Since I was never popular at school I experienced these anyway, I guess I just didn’t want to make it worse, so I chose to bottle up what I wanted to say and how I felt towards certain things.
As you can imagine by the end of secondary school I was ready to not see anyone again and start a fresh at college. However, things unfortunately went down hill and I quickly developed severe anxiety and depression. As usual I kept this bottled up and still annoyed at people thinking they could just use me then dump me I made a conscious effort to stand up for myself.
Today i’m sitting here typing this thinking that trying to grow a back bone that quickly was not a good idea, specially coupled with depression and anxiety. The person I am now is very cynical and quick to become angry over trivial things I should really just ignore, although I have never been a calm person and with that and anxiety I have always been extremely highly strung, the littlest things get to me and as much as I try to not think about it, it grows and grows on me. In some ways I am thankful that I made myself grow a backbone, it does help to an extent and I don’t care quite as much as to what people think (there is still a long way to go on this though!), but the con’s that have come with doing what I did is that I’m quick to get frustrated, angry and less happy than I was, I build up such a big wall that I become almost like a machine, I’m on automatic and I can’t stop it and it hurts knowing that I take this out on the people I love who really don’t deserve it. Now to me life just feels like I’m fighting against something I can’t win, I don’t enjoy life anymore and I do whats expected of me by others, not what I want to do.
I’m still spinning round in this circle wondering when i’ll be able to stop, hoping that one day I will be proud of who I am and what I have become.