I am going to start off by saying that unlike the majority of people my University days weren’t my favourite but nevertheless I picked up a few tips here and there.
1.Be Bothered – This may seem like a strange one as the end game is to get your
self a degree, however, I think everyone who has experienced college or uni, at some point, would’ve thought ‘i’ll do that later’ when deep down you know you won’t. Yes, I thought so too. If you don’t finish notes in a lecture, finish them. Having a slow week in between assignments? Start one. Whether its research, writing or even checking a fact, do it. I can guarantee you will end up doing it anyway!
2. Ask for help – I was always worried that my tutors would blacklist me for sending them too many emails or turning up to their office hours too often and it wasn’t until I had a rubbish dissertation tutor where I thought ‘hang on a sec, I am paying full university fees, this is your job to support me is it not?’. Don’t be perturbed by grumpiness! If they aren’t answering your emails, go and find them! (Of course not all tutors are like this!).
3. Get Involved – Again, this seems like an important factor in uni life but if you’re like me and you let anxiety get the better of you then it does impact on the type of university experience you have. Towards the end of my degree I did wish that I would’ve actually gone to some of the clubs I signed up for as I had more time then!
4. Don’t get too excited when your money comes in – Sooooo many of my friends just went out and spent their loan/grant then had to live off baked beans till the next lot came in (seriously one of my flatmates ended up borrowing thousands from her parents!). I tried to save mine and found it more rewarding at the end of each year to treat myself to a big little something…It also feels much better when you go out with friends!
5. Know your limits – I found it so important not to cave into what everyone else was doing, ie: a lot of drinking and drugs! I’m not saying don’t do these things, I’m saying do them within your limits. Putting yourself in dangerous situations isn’t the best idea you will have so stay safe but have fun! If someone you are with is a hardened drinker and has already downed five pints of whatever, it’s ok you don’t have to race them! They will appreciate your company either way…they won’t notice when they’re drunk anyway!
I won’t start by carrying on and ripping off Christina Perri’s song!
On a side note though that song does have a very valid meaning. We are all simply human. Just that and nothing more, nothing less. Despite this though there is so much pressure on us nowadays to get to the top, to have a career, to succeed in life. But what if you, like me, have no idea what you want to do? What happens if you do break and fall? What happens if we don’t conform to the self-fulfilling prophecy and actually just want to live this life we have and enjoy it in whatever way that might be?
Over the past couple of months I have struggled with where I want to go in life, what I want to do and struggled with balancing this with what I believe I should be doing. I’ve been trying to conform to what I think people want me to do/what I think they think I should do…..yes thats a lot of thinks! Thinking is the essence of this blog post as I have come to the realisation that actually all I want to do is to start enjoying the life I have. I’ve been getting so worked up over trying to please people and wonder where the hell I’m going in life to realise that I stopped enjoying it a long time ago.
Although I’m still struggling with what direction I want to go in, I’m slowly realising that in order to start my life I have to stop living everyone else’s.
If you only get one thing from this blog post, I hope that it’s to find something that makes you happy with your life…
(And by other drugs I mean happiness!)
Over the past couple of days I have been home, been to a wedding and spent time with my other half whilst having a zen moment in his garden. It made me realise that at the moment i’m not happy with my life, there are things I want to do and see and i’ve gotten to the stage where I want to be happy with my life, I want to feel as though i’m living it and not just going through the motions I think I should.
One such example of this is that I want to start a YouTube channel. Whether or not it would be any good I don’t know but how do I know if I don’t try? I’m just going to be forever wondering what would’ve, what could’ve happened?
However, its all very thinking this but the amount of guilt I feel at even thinking about doing something different than working with the children I currently work with is phenomenal. It shouldn’t feel that guilt provoking but it does and it stops me thinking about my happiness and my life. I guess i’ve realized over the weekend that what makes me happy and what I think I should be doing/should do are two different things…
I am almost a month into working with troubled children and have recently realised the level of empathy I have towards them and what they are going through. It has made me realise that I have never dealt with my own problems I just ignored them and although I was feeling more positive with life this feeling has made me realise that I do need to sort my own crap out and I do need to deal with it in a better way.
My problem now is that I have no idea what to do with any of it! As a result of this and being around the children I am slowly going back to an old defense of just not feeling anything which is so automatic I don’t realise its happening. I discard myself and focus on whatever I need to do and the children and staff. It’s a strange feeling as I feel like I am and should be one of the children, yet I know i’m not and I don’t want to be!
This line of work really makes you realise how vulnerable and fragile the human mind is but at the same time this is an empowering thing, knowing why someone does the things they do, knowing why you are doing the things you are doing and learning how to help the children and others manage them. Every shift there is always a new emotion that you feel and you hold onto all these emotions for them because they can’t. When I first started I never fully grasped the concept of projections but three weeks later i’m beginning to understand it on a ore intense level. It makes you realise how that in order to help others you do need to help yourself, there is always someone there who will listen and help you, you’ve just got to look in the right places and work out what you need to change and what only you can change instead of sitting there hoping someone will come along and change it for you…
As you are aware if you have been reading my previous posts I got a new job and was looking for a room on spareroom.com.
The update is that i have moved, the boys have indeed come with me and the couple i’m living with are very nice! I am starting my new job tomorrow and have been on two training courses.
However! yes there is another however…….My start was put on hold as two original certificates got lost in the post! Considering that the pair are £100 to replace and my funds are scary to look at to say the least, you can imagine I was not best pleased! However I have managed to get a free copy of one and the company have accepted a photocopy I had of the other, although this one will still need to be renewed…Damn!
At the moment the most frustrating thing is not being able to drive as it means I am shelling out a fortune (which I don’t have) on various transport whilst simultaneously relying on others to cart me places. I have however, managed to book my practical test for January which I am hoping I will pass first time…Fingers crossed!
It’s not all blue though….firstly I conquered an aspect of my anxiety which is going out drinking for my friends party over the weekend, I was surprised that I actually really enjoyed it and had a great night!
The second is that although the basis of this post is frustration the underlying reason is that I have a new job….yay!
You may be thinking so why the hell are you complaining?! Well….the simple answer to that is that it’s just what I do! The more complicated answer is anxiety driven…for some annoying reason I tend to hang on to things way longer than I should and I have never been a positive person so that doesn’t help…
My problem is that from where I was made jobless I now have no money to move again for this job and no money for anything really…Parents aren’t an option so somehow I have to find the money to rent a van, which last time was £300 just for the deposit, a deposit and potential first months rent for a room rental and travel money for a month until I get paid… You see my dilemma???
Spareroom.com is what my life currently consists of on this dull Monday and I do feel as though I’m going a bit crazy…..er than normal!
I am so happy to be starting this new job in the near future, it’s just getting to the job that I’m not looking forward too!
So life has happened again!
My landlords mum has got involved and has decided that because she wants more money she is going to put the house up for let and is kicking me out. She hasn’t actually said that but that’s effectively what has happened…
After a few days worrying one of my friends has agreed to babysit my boys (Guinea Pigs Percy and Diesel) for which I am eternally grateful! I don’t know what I’d do if I have to get rid of them!
I am making the trek back down to home Friday and my dad is coming to pick me up so this week I am busy with packing and sorting. Something that is bothering me which surprisingly isn’t moving back home, is feeling like i’m being a burden on everyone! Everyone is having to make room to accommodate me which is frustrating and annoying! Whilst some of them may not think that its something that is really bugging me especially when I cant do anything about it.
My second issue with moving is that the driving instructor I have currently is my third and BEST instructor ever. He is so good and lovely and I feel as though I have learnt so much in a short space of time compared to my previous too and my confidence has grown as well which was part of the issue for me. I am not looking forward to going back home and finding a new instructor, hopefully it will be my final one…!
My plan at the moment is to get a temporary job when i’m back home whilst applying for my career starter although at the moment I am up to my eyeballs in applications which are always the same questions just worded differently! That’s just me being lazy though I guess. But yes I am here to tell life to sort itself out for everyone that it’s being unfair to because, ya know….its unfair…
I know you hate that you aren’t my first point of call when something is on my mind or I have a problem.
I don’t mean to upset you, i’m not sure why I don’t myself, all I know is that I feel uncomfortable when doing it. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, more that because of all the stuff you guys have on your plate I don’t want to add to that or make anything worse for you. Causing extra worry and stress isn’t what i’d want to do you guys, so I prefer to keep it to myself 🙂
My other reason is that sometimes i’m never sure how you are going to react! Sometimes the reaction is the one I want and other times they way you react is not what I want to hear. I am now 21 and not 12, I know this sounds selfish and mean because i’ll always be your little girl but I feel as though I am old enough to deal with my own disasters! Whether you agree or not is another matter but sometimes I need to make my own mistakes and try to sort them out myself, I know that if I need you, you will always be there.
Just remember that I do love you lots and its nothing personal I just don’t want to make your life harder.
I have never in my life hated my anxiety as much as I have now.
As you guys know I was both nervous and extremely excited to start my new job. To me it was my dream job, I was so happy and despite all the reading me and another women was having to do we were enjoying the first couple of days of our two week training and I even received a hug from one of the girls when we met them! It meant a lot to me and made me all the more excited.
On the third day we had were included in a meeting which was apparently a rare thing for trainees to be included in. The meeting revolved around some of the staff members choosing a girl to talk about how they feel. There were some very heavy comments and emotions involved, none of which I was thinking which started to make me nervous and a bit anxious. I wasnt required to say anything so I sat still, with the exception of my leg which decided to twitch at 100 miles an hour.
A couple of hours later I found out that I had lost my job. 2 and a half days in and they let me go because I was anxious during that meeting.
I’m so upset because I know in myself that I would of been more than capable of looking after and dealing with the girls. I don’t think that in a room full of strangers and people who have been with the girls for a long period of time that being anxious is unreasonable! Is this just me?
I feel as though when the women spoke to me afterwards and I told her the truth that I did feel anxious went against me and now I regret saying anything, I wish I would’ve lied, I wish I still had my job.
I’m trying to stay positive about it but at the moment I feel a bit useless, they told me to ‘work on myself’……. I feel like i’ve been chucked under a bus, luckily my landlord has let me stay rent free as long as i’m actively looking for a job which is lovely of him but I feel like such an inconvenience to everyone. Fed up is an understatement right now.
Uni is over and we our holiday has been and passed. I know over the past few weeks I have been up and down, left and right and on and off. I have made you feel as though you have upset me, for this I am sorry. If i’m honest I have no idea what I am saying or why I am writing this but I figured this would be quicker than the post…I can tell you to look at it after 😉
I know you feel sometimes as though you ruin things and think you should do more for me. It upsets me that I make you feel like this as deep down you have seen me and my lowest point and have picked me up and dusted me off at every turn. You have been my best friend for 5/6 years now and i’m not sure what I would have done without you, and i’m not sure what ‘d do. I feel as though I have not properly told you this before but I have just been reading something and it said that often couples fall into the rut of taking their frustrations out on each other instead of helping to build each other up. I believe we fall it this category, you always try and build me up and I make it very hard but each time you have never left my side.
I want you to know that inside the love and admiration I feel like you cannot be compared to anything else, even when i’m taking m frustrations out on you I always admire the way you deal with me, the way you hug me to calm me down, the way you push me to tell you whats wrong because even though i’m yelling at you and don’t want to say we both know that I will feel better afterwards, the way you wrap your arms around me when I feel as though i’m going to come crumbling down. You do all of this and so much more and I want you to know that although I don’t show it I appreciate everything you do and love you so much. I promise i’m trying, I have a long way to go before I can match your level of effort but I promise you I will try.
PS: Next time you’re down do you fancy a date to the ice rink?
Love you ❤